So, when the lawyer didn't call me for a weekend date, I wasn't terribly upset. Instead, I went out with the next guy on my online to-do list: desk job guy. I'll call him that because he reminds me of Chandler, from Friends (what up, growing up in the 90's!): his job is so boring that nobody can stand to listen long enough to know what he does. So he's just desk job guy.
He called me three times before the date with information he could have just emailed me. Ugh, I hate talking on the phone with people I don't know. He left me one voicemail that I decided to listen to before even answering any of his calls. His voice was exactly what you'd expect from a desk job guy: monotonous and kinda nasaly. When I actually did pick up, he was as good at conversations as the dead cilantro on my windowsill. This was going downhill fast. After he could make no decisions without my input (aka, I decided), we planned on a Sunday dinner (seriously?). It was the only day he was available before Wednesday. Oooook. I guess you must have a busy schedule boring people to death while talking about your job.
As soon as I got there, I saw him standing outside and immediately regretted this. I'm attracted to nerds, don't get me wrong, but the good kind. The kind that can match shoes to shirts and make decisions. So, not this guy. His profile said he was 6'2" so I was wearing 1" kitten heels. Yeah, no, I was way taller than him. Not only was he 6' at best, but his posture was horrendous. Fantastic. I could feel people staring at us as I entered the restaurant with Quasimodo over here. No, other patrons, I don't know what I was doing there either, thanks for noticing!
I'll spare you the details of the most boring date I've ever had, except for this one little tidbit that just assured me I wouldn't be seeing this guy again. We were talking about the weather (what else do you talk to when you have nothing to talk about?) and he mentions something about his aunt and uncle "believing" in global warming. It sounded like... oh shit. No no no no no no NO! Ahhhh, yes. He doesn't really "believe" in climate change.
Pause. I flip the switch. Fuck it.
"You know, this is the only country I've ever been to where climate change and evolution are actually debated as theories. Everybody else on the planet is on board with the whole 'science' thing." I can see the look on his face. I know he's a christian, so I'm fully aware things might be getting really unpleasant really fast.
"Oh no, evolution isn't really up for debate" - way to change the subject but... no, wait, there's MORE! - "but evolution and creationism can both be true." WHAT?! Are you for real right now?!
I dig in: "I went to middle school with this girl who basically got laughed out of class for suggesting our science teacher should mention creationism when we were being taught evolution. I can't believe in this country people still require them to be taught side by side". I was well on my way to ruining this date. It felt cathartic, but our waiter interrupted the conversation and I didn't really know how to get back on topic. I couldn't keep going if he didn't fight back. He didn't.
Instead, he asked if we should do this again. And in that moment, with every fiber of my body screaming "NO!" I said "Sure, why not?". Gee, I don't know, I can come up with a whole fucking list, you moron! I instantly blurt out that I'm busy all week, and he says it's ok, because he's busy on weekdays too. Yes, I'm sure you are. Doing what, growing your nails longer than mine? Btw, that's gross.Then I tell him I'm out of town this weekend. I think he realizes I'm bullshitting at this point because I can't come up with a good location to pretend I'm going to. We make more small talk, but when he starts talking about liking video games and collecting Nintendo systems, I call it a night.
The check comes. I start the "reach for the wallet" dance. He looks at me, and I can tell he is really uncomfortable. "So how should we do this?". Wow, seriously? Though I guess from the guy who could make no decisions when picking a place to go, this was totally expected. He has zero confidence, and zero clue on how to date. Sigh.
"We can split it."
"Ok...". He stares at me. Why is he staring? Why isn't he doing anything? I look at him, puzzled.
"What?"
He sighs, his hand on the bill. Maybe he's going to change his mind, maybe he'll realize what a faux pas this is. I have hope.
Nope. He continues his silence for another few uncomfortable seconds and slides the check over to me, we both put our cards in. The waiter splits it down the middle even though his food was more expensive. Balls. I wasn't counting strikes, but he's so far out, it's kinda sad.
Clueless as he is (I wish it was because he realized this wasn't going anywhere, but I know it wasn't), he doesn't try to kiss me or even hug me. He says he'll call or email me. Yeah, ok, thanks for nothing, bye!
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